Three punches in the gut, how my life changed, and what that has to do with you
Not to be melodramatic, but this might be the most important blog post I’ve ever written. It’s life and death stuff. See? Sounds scary, right?
Well, it IS scary, and the reason you haven’t heard from me in a long time is because I’ve been submerged in fear and anxiety, wrestling with those suckers, coming up for air now and then, only to be dragged under again.
In September, I went to my gynaecology checkup, where I felt punched in the gut and hit with a hammer on the head three times in the span of 15 minutes.
The first gut puncher: some of my symptoms indicated that I needed a screening for uterine cancer. Since one of my friends just died of cancer in her nether regions, this news initiated noisy alarm sirens in my head.
The second: a lump in my breast that I was urged to follow up on.
The third: after listening to my heart, my doctor looked at me gravely and told me that I needed to see a cardiologist. Immediately. She had never heard such a wonky heart beat as mine.
Now I don’t know if you know this about me, but I always considered myself super healthy, fit and invincible. You know, hardy German stock. I have very, very rarely gone to the doctor during my 46 years of life.
And now, I was faced with three scary scenarios, including procedures, interventions, and medical specialists.
My first thought: What the fuck?
My second: What if this is serious? What if I die? What about my kids?
All my life, I have pictured myself being old while climbing mountains, shovelling great wheelbarrow loads of goat manure, gardening, holding workshops, teaching, and happily sitting in my rocking chair and knitting sweaters for my numerous grandchildren at the end of the day – white haired, my face sun-kissed, weathered and wrinkled, but vibrant. Healthy.
The three scary health scenarios I got hit with at my doctor’s office didn’t fit into that vision.
After stumbling out of her office with referrals to a cardiologist, breast clinic and a uterine scraping appointment, I got into the car with my husband and broke down crying. I was very, very scared, very, very confused, and it didn’t help that now I really noticed my heart beating erratically and thumping out of my chest.
Have you ever got hit over the head with a 2 by 4, received news that brought you to your knees, asked the question “Why me?” and “Why now?”? Have you ever looked at your children and wondered what their lives would be like if you died?
In the days and weeks following my diagnosis, I didn’t ask “Why me?”, but instead I asked “Why did this happen now?”
I realized that it happened because I do what many of us women do: over-work, over-give, run on adrenaline, and not make ourselves a priority.
If you are tempted to stop reading this right now, because you think I will give you a lecture on self-care, or making yourself a priority, and you know this will never happen for you, I have news for you, sister:
What does it take for you to take your symptoms seriously? Your symptoms could be disease, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, or anything else that has been a pattern for you and creates negative impact.
Will you only pay attention when you get cancer? When you feel suicidal? When you can’t sleep or function in the world?
I ask this with a lot of love, not to shame you or lay blame.
Here’s what I did:
I realized that I’ve been running on adrenaline all my life. This summer was especially busy and emotionally hard. I recognized that I do more now and that I juggle more balls in the air than I did when I was 20. I admitted that I have a pattern of hustling for worthiness, trying to prove to myself and others that I deserve to be alive/take up space, that I’m good enough by doing, doing, doing, achieving, achieving, achieving, hustling, hustling, hustling.
And the hardest thing to admit: I can’t keep going like this, nor do I want to.
So I sold my goats, talked deeply with my husband about our priorities, and spend hours knitting on the sofa and by the river in the sunshine. For the first time in my life, I spent hours just being, without accomplishing anything. No guilt. No shame. No blame.
I won’t lie. It was hard at first. But the more my nervous system calmed down, the better I felt.
And here’s the miraculous thing: opportunities opened up. By me not being constantly busy, amazing things came into my life. One of them was a job opportunity with Feminine Power, the coaching organization I have been studying with (I am now one of their professional program specialists).
Now let me ask you this:
Do you know where your life is out of balance? Have you felt burnt-out, trapped, that things are wrong in your life? Have you pushed that feeling down for years? Have you felt that it is not possible for this to change?
I know how this feels, I really do. But enough is enough. I got my wake-up call. Have you gotten yours yet?
I hope you don’t have to get sick, depressed or burnt-out to get this message:
You are worthy. You are good enough just as you are. You deserve to take care of yourself and meet your needs. In fact, it is imperative. I give you permission to put yourself first. Can YOU give yourself permission to do that?
Here’s some good news:
My uterus is fine. I’m just navigating perimenopause, with lots of weird changes.
My boobs are great (saggier than ever, but just fine).
My heart is fine, too. The cardiologist said there’s nothing structurally wrong, and the irregular heartbeats are quite common with stress, not dangerous, and just a nuisance.
Phew!
What a wakeup call. I am grateful for it, but I don’t wish that sense of drowning in fear on anyone.
Now back to you: Are you sick of muddling through this stuff alone? Do you need support?
I’m here for you.
I am accepting a very limited number of free discovery sessions (45 minutes long) to see if I can help you and support you with my seven week program. It has changed many women’s lives for the better (you can read their testimonials here <—), and with this health scare under my belt, I am now even more equipped to help you navigate scary waters.